politics of american men.

you'd think that being in italy - i would be surrounded by sexy men, but no.
for the most part everyone i have seen here this past week has been short, super skinny, and better dressed than i am.
at home, everywhere i look i see someone ideal - tall, buff, strong, handsome, athletic. and here, i run in the park and get nasty, confused looks.

yesterday i talked to angelo, a friend of mine from home. we have never dated, but we speak on a regular basis. we live far away and things just never end up working out for us, so the only time we have ever hung out was actually the first time we hung out, two years ago around halloween.

he wants to come visit me and is currently planning a trip here. it's scary and forward and yet i am excited.

then i think about the greek boy - how much i begged him to come visit when we were together. how i pictured us in italy together, taking pictures of everything, kissing, eating amazing food. he was always hesitant and i was always pushy.

and even in a good moment with angelo telling me he is coming to visit - i think of the greek boy.

as i was thinking, i look at my computer and i have an e-mail, from non-other than the greek. we hadn't spoken since our break up and seeing his name caused me to hold my breath. my eyes almost immediately swelled with tears. as much fun as i am having, i do miss him. as good as our break up was for me, it still hurts. and as much as i thought i was over him, i'm not.

his e-mail was short, brief, non-emotional, almost political. telling me he doesn't hate me, he wants his sweatshirt back, that he hopes i'm having fun and he wishes me the best.

i wanted to scream, to cry, to break down. but i calmly responded, also politically.

it is almost more painful to be political, to hear the generic responses instead of what you really feel. i told him i wish him happiness, hope for the best. and deep down i do, but on the surface i want him to miss me, i want him to be hurting, i want him to feel as badly as i do whenever he sees my name.

i would give anything to have him here with me in italy, in this moment of weakness. i know we aren't good together, we have fallen out of love or maybe we were never in love at all. but for a short time he was the only person i cared about more than myself.